Get Them Off Me
by Princess Darkcloud
Summary: PREVIEW VERSION Zoro had just been trying to be nice for once, he'd not meant to get caught up in a vortex of crazy wenches, mindless zombies of love, and magic panties. OCZo, ChoZo, AceZo, LuZo, SanZo, FranZo, and SmoZo
1. Panty Fetish Man

My entry for the 'cursed panties Halloween contest' hope y'all enjoy :D loosely inspired by a book I read like a million years ago.

I hate disclaimers so I'm only gonna do this once: I OWN NOTHING! Except the old man...and the village...and yeah...but that doesn't count...

Find me on **Twitter**! Why? I haven't the foggiest: **PDCandPSW** is my user name or whatever if you're interested

-PD

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**Chapter 1 - Panty Fetish Man**

Hirataimura. A village with dangerous, twisting, winding paths that just seemed to slip out from under you, leaving you in a completely different place than you were before. Shifting under your feet, rearranging itself to keep you forever trapped in its inescapable, labyrinthine streets. It was always laughing, mocking the poor souls that couldn't ever find their way, and would have to just turn around and begin anew.

But oddly enough, it seemed to do this little magic trick only for a very special person. The village seemed to be almost infatuated with this man, never wanting him to leave behind its cobblestone streets and quaint boutiques. It didn't have much to offer, but what it offered was the best that it could. The little village was so broken hearted when the man did not understand its feelings or what it was trying to convey, and just preceded to curse its efforts, not even acknowledging the town's one-sided love. No. Roronoa Zoro was not happy to be trapped by this village. He did not appreciate the ever-changing roads or the rearranging of houses and stores, nor the magical disappearing and reappearing forest. All he wanted was a decent eatery where he could sit himself down at a bar, eat some food, and drink a couple mugs of ale.

When Zoro finally happened upon his destination, he sighed a contented sigh. This made Hirataimura furious. How could this little store evoke such a cute, happy expression from this man when all _it_ could do was infuriate the little swordsman. Deciding to get even with the man it loved, Hirataimura waited until Zoro had closed his eyes before working its magic, turning Zoro around, backwards, and upside down, placing him in front of a lingerie shop, practically the exact opposite from type of place Zoro had wanted to be at. The town snickered to itself before deciding to take a rest; it'd had enough fun torturing the man and would leave him alone. For now.

"Shit!" Zoro cursed to himself. "How the hell...? IT WAS _RIGHT THERE!_" Zoro stood outside the shop, glaring angrily when a delicious smell came wafting out through an open window. Zoro relaxed from his tensed 'angry pose' and looked at the shop with confusion. _'Why's the smell of fried rice coming from an underwear store...?'_ Zoro figured, through a muddled and tangled thought process, that maybe he could just get food here, as finding a new place to eat would've proven pointless when he had this right in front of him. He slowly pushed the heavy wood-framed glass door open, listening to the hinges creak and the bell jungle and tinkle as he entered. The man behind the counter, or desk really, was about to tuck into some lunch when Zoro had intruded. The short, squat, old man straightened himself up and pulled at his sweater vest and straightened his bowtie. He had a round face, but he was one of those cute old men. Not that Zoro thought so, but other people might have.

"C-Can I help you?" He warbled in that stereotypical old man voice.

"Sorry, I smelt food so I came in here thinking there was something to eat. Sorry to bother you." Zoro turned to head back when his stomach growled at an embarrassingly loud volume.

"Oh dear, I can't just let a hungry boy like you back out into the streets." The man shuffled back behind a curtain, leaving Zoro in the room alone.

'_Boy?'_ Zoro thought irritably. Just cause he was a little bit shorter than the average pirate these days...he didn't think he looked _that_ little...or maybe...he made a promise to himself that he'd check up on that later.

"Here you go young man. My daughter's brought by so much that I couldn't possibly eat it all." He came back out with a steaming plate and a glass of water.

"I can't accept this." Zoro said, declining the man with a hint of suspicion in his voice.

"Please do, it will only go bad." Zoro said nothing, but looked towards the door ever so slightly. "Well, if you really don't want it then I won't force you. You may leave whenever you wish." The sadness in his voice was obvious, making Zoro hesitate for a moment, but when the waft of steam carrying the smell of that delicious, heaping plate of fried rice tickled his nose, who was Zoro to refuse.

"No, I'm sorry, I'll accept it. Itadakimasu." Zoro sat down across from the old man who beamed happily.

"This is nice." He said, "it's been a long time since I've eaten with someone."

Zoro could feel a little bit of empathy tugging at his heartstrings, but he wouldn't let it get to him. He ate his lunch in a slightly more refined manor out of courtesy and properly thanked him when he finished. "Thanks, old man. It was good."

"Oh, you're welcome. It was very nice of you to stay." The old man was practically glowing with simple happiness.

Zoro couldn't resist the little smile that was tugging at the corner of his mouth. When the old man smiled, it vaguely reminded Zoro of his sensei, though the old man was quite a bit shorter, and was happy he could lift his day. But then, Zoro's keen sense of hearing picked up the sounds of a kerfuffle outside. "Old man, get back! Go behind the curtain!"

Startled by Zoro's sudden attitude change, the man hesitated slightly, just giving Zoro a look and taking a single step backwards.

"GO! There's gonna be trouble!"

The old man grabbed the plates and cups and slowly trotted back behind the curtain. The fabric was still fluttering when a gang burst into the shop. The leader was a woman, about 6 and a half feet tall, a bit taller than Robin, and guns with smoking barrels were in each of her hands. She looked down at Zoro. "Hey, shorty!"

'_Second time within the hour! What the hell? Am I really THAT small?'_

"Show me the so-called magic panties!"

Zoro just stared at her with a 'what the fuck' expression domination his features.

"DON'T QUESTION, JUST GET THEM, YOU FUCKIN FAIRY!" Anger really brought out the ugly in a woman, and this woman had been relatively pretty upon first glance; not so much now.

"I'm not gay, you bitch!" Zoro yelled back at her. She fired her gun; it ricocheted off a wall and hit the floor an inch from Zoro's foot.

"Watch your mouth, you homo midget! The next one won't miss!"

"That's right, that's right!" One of her followers enthused. Zoro always hated the 'yes man' type; nothing was more pathetic. "Our captain Ricochet Riko-sama never misses!" The others concurred with pleased grunts and nods

Zoro immediately thought of Usopp. He bet that this bitch couldn't beat him in a sharp shooting contest, not by a long shot. Oh dear, a pun.

"Che." Zoro scoffed at the pathetic group. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but if it's a fight you're after then lets take it outside. I'm not going to ruin this shop."

"See," she was clearly getting ready to show off in front of her lackeys with some sort of witty banter, "he is a homo. Protecting fancy underwear as if it were his first born butt baby." She got a collection of raucous laughter in response and she sneered down at him condescendingly. That is, until something else grabbed her attention. "Oh my gosh!" Her hands flew up to her face and she smiled girlishly, bringing a bit of the beauty back to her features. "There they are!" She ran past Zoro and pulled a pair of underpants off of a lavish display. "These are the panties I was looking for!" She looked like she was about to cry. Zoro didn't think that he would ever be able understand girls. The lackeys followed faithfully to where she was.

"Psst!"

Zoro looked at the old man who was peeping out from behind the curtain. He looked back at the baka-onna just to make sure she was properly preoccupied before asking a quiet 'what is it.'

"Please don't let her steal those! They are very important, and she can't have the power those panties hold!"

Zoro tried hard not to roll his eyes at the ridiculousness, but because the old man had been kind enough to feed him, he decided it would be dishonorable to decline his request. Zoro walked up to the woman who absolutely towered over him. "You can't take those."

"Oh? And the homo's gonna stop me?" She quickly drew her gun, but Zoro was faster, slicing the barrel into little discs as if it was nothing more than slicing up a carrot. Riko released the panties in surprise, but because she did so the panties got in the way of Zoro's move ever so slightly. "You-You _freak!_"

"Get out." Zoro growled.

Riko teared up before running out of the store, crying like a spoilt child who'd been declined something she'd wanted. The lackeys glared at him before running after their captain.

"You'll regret this, homo!"

"Panty fetish man!"

"Green-haired pervert!"

The bell gave a last frantic jingle before all went silent. The old man stepped out from his hiding spot, shaking in his loafers. "My, that was quite exciting! I feared that my heart would stop any moment." He sighed, relieved that the trouble had gone.

"Hey, old man, what's so special about these things anyway?" Zoro picked up the underwear and looked at them. They weren't particularly fancy, they were just a pair of seamless, light blue underwear of the simplest kind. Perhaps they were valued for their comfort? They _were_ soft as hell, and when he pulled in them gently they stretched easily. Even for a man these panties would be really rather—

"Ahh!" The old man cried. He ran to Zoro's side and saw that the tag had been cut off. "My boy, what've you done?"

"Wha—me?" Zoro was confused, was he not supposed to stretch the panties?

The old man peered at the panties. "You've gone and cut the tag off! And you've _touched them_ no less! Oh deary me...you're unleashed the power of the panties! They'll be useless to anyone else. You may as well take them..." the old man looked like he had more to say, but he just dropped it all together.

Zoro looked at the light blue underpants. They looked comfy and durable. Nothing more. There were no fancy designs; there didn't even seem any stitch work. "Are you sure these are magic old man? They don't look special to me..."

"Thank you for an interesting afternoon, young man. But I really do think you should be going now...but make sure not to look anyone in the eye!" The old man gave his final warning before escaping to the back room, not intending to reappear anytime soon.

Zoro was left in the shop horribly confused about what the old man had said. And he still wasn't quite sure what had made this meeting go sour so he just left, panties in hand.

**o()o()o**

Zoro realized that it'd look odd to see a grown man walking the streets with a pair of mildly effeminate looking panties dangling from his fingertips. He ducked into the nearest bathroom and dropped his pants. Turning to look at himself in the mirror, he noticed that they looked really...rather...

"Gay..." the panties fit him perfectly, a bit too much so. They framed his ass and gave it a little lift to boost the perkiness of his ample, muscular buttocks, and they fit smoothly over his package, keeping it all wrapped up in one nice little package. Though he had to admit, they were easy to move in and they felt heavenly against his skin. This must have been their magic: a superb fit and great comfort. Zoro slipped his pants back on and sauntered out of the bathroom, eyes closed.

"Oi! Kora! These bathrooms are for paying customers only!"

Zoro turned to face the man, opening his eyes and locking them with the owner of the flower shop he'd waltzed into. "Hrm?"

The man shrunk back a bit. "Uhm th-that is..." The man ducked down and Zoro could hear shuffling. Zoro slid kitetsu out of its scabbard ever so slightly, preparing for a bullet or something similar to come whizzing his way. He did not, however, expect a bouquet of flowers to be thrust into his arms. The florist, an inch or two taller than Zoro and actually quite attractive when viewed up close, gazed at him fondly. "I knew they're be perfect. They match you so well." He blushed as he smiled down at the green-haired cutie, watching as he looked at the flowers with total bewilderment, red seeping out from beneath his collar. "I-I know I just met you...but one look into your beautiful eyes and..I know this sounds silly but...I think that I...that I'm in lo—"

Zoro whacked the man over the head. He was afraid that if this weirdo said one more word the heat of embarrassment would creep out from under his collar and give the guy the wrong impression, and who knew what this pervert would do if Zoro had sent the wrong message. Dropping the flowers, Zoro hurried out of the shop, not taking his eyes off the ground as he hurried back to the Sunny.

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**Author's Note**

Well, I may not have made it in time for the contest, and it may not be complete, but I tried! And even if it's not on time, I'll still continue with it, cause its so fun to write. :3

No, the town isn't really alive, and no it doesn't have a crush on Zoro. It was just funny to think about, cause the degree to which Zoro gets lost is so ridiculous it's like there's something purposefully keeping him from finding his way. Anywho, that's all for now. Really short author's note (for me anyway ^^;)

And did I ever tell you that I **hate** the word panties? **HATE IT! **

Thanks for reading!

-PD

...and in the end I never submitted it ^^;


	2. His Zoro Senses Were Tingling

Well, Halloween is over, but this story can still go on! Oh, and by the way, my little Princess isn't feeling so good, she's in bed, sick. So I'm here to take over for a while *sexy wink* please enjoy~

Reviews I couldn't respond to the conventional way:

_**(no name)**_**:** yeah, I tried to come up with a more original way of expressing Zoro's...directional issues. Lol and it was totally destiny. No one else was meant to have these panties ^^

**Nikki:** I'm happy to hear that you like my writing style ^^ *throws hands in the air* woo for zoro uke supporters! 8D

+PSW

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**Chapter 2 – His Zoro Senses Were Tingling**

Zoro didn't know what to make of that weird florists behavior, and he was still thinking about it as he walked through Hirataimura's streets half an hour later. _'What the hell was that? What the HELL just happened? Perverted bastard...' _So caught up in his thoughts, Zoro hardly noticed that he was being followed.

As he weaved through the streets that were looking more and more uniformly, and creepily, similar, Zoro could feel himself start to grow sleepy and briefly wondered why. Ah, that's right. He hadn't had his post-lunch nap. But, he'd been fine before he left the shop, but after leaving that pervert's den he hadn't quite felt like himself. Well, that might have been obvious to anyone but Zoro, who'd started to stumble over his own feet and hadn't thought much of it until the houses started to stretch and swirl together. _'Hm, that's not...right...'_ Zoro blinked a couple times before rubbing his forearm roughtly over his eyes. Concentration was key at a time like this; the dizziness could easily be overcome by sheer stubbornness, of course. But as he started off again, Zoro's legs suddenly went numb; he couldn't have controlled them no matter how hard tried or how much he yelled at them telepathically. He saw the ground growing closer, but he couldn't feel his legs crumble beneath him.

A pair of strong hands caught him under his arms before he could fall to the spinning ground. "Hey, are you alright?" The hands smelt sweet...kinda like...like...Zoro couldn't really tell... He lolled his head around until he was looking straight up into the eyes of that damned florist.

"Wha—Wha th' 'ell're you doin 'ere?" Zoro sounded like he was half asleep. Ideally, he would've liked to have been totally asleep on the soft grass of the deck, but hey, that kind of thinking was for when he was out of this predicament. Right now, there was a perverted flower-man whose hands were becoming less and less helpful and more...intrusive. The florist moved so he was supporting Zoro with one arm around his waist. The other was reaching down behind Zoro's already slightly bent knees.

"Ooooi~" Hm, that wasn't as demanding as he'd meant for it to be. It sounded more whiney and needy than he'd intended, it was almost erotic the way his voice warbled. Great. He sounded like a horny uke. Zoro would've hit himself if he could've.

The florist shivered, hesitating in his movements for a moment, enjoying the delicious sound of the cute man's voice. "My my..." He whispered. The florist swept Zoro up in his arms bridal style. "I'm glad those flowers worked their magic, or I might never have had a chance with such a sexy thing like you." He nuzzled Zoro's neck and gave it a couple gentle, feathery kisses.

Zoro fumed. Just because he was slowly becoming paralyzed and was beginning to lose consciousness didn't mean he couldn't fight back. I mean seriously, this is _Zoro_ we're talking about. Only an idiot could overcome a powerful narcotic drug with pure stubbornness and will power. The word Narcosis meant nothing to this green haired swordsman; in the literal sense as well as the figurative. "Le...Lemme gooo~" He pushed against the florist's chest, appearing to just be playing "hard to get."

"Ah, please stop using that voice, it's making it harder for me to resist you!" The florist was practically squealing as he ran down the street with an almost limp Zoro in his arms.

As Zoro was carried away like a weak, whiney bitch from one of those cheesy dramas that only came on during daytime tv, he was thinking incredibly scattered, irrelevant thoughts, but there was one that could be interpreted by the casual mind reader: _'I wonder if I'll make it back in time for dinner...' _And with that lingering thought Zoro fell into sweet unconsciousness.

**o()o()o**

Sanji felt a tingle run up his spine. Something was amiss – his Zoro senses were tingling. "Damn Marimo, went off and got lost again." Sanji quickly finished putting away the groceries and hurried out the galley and off the ship.

"Sanji-kun! Where are you off to?"

Sanji was back on the deck in a heartbeat, kneeling in front of Nami with one of her hands clasped within both of his. "My dear Nami-san, I have a feeling that Zoro's gone and got into trouble again. If I don't do something, I'm afraid he'll attract attention, and that is additional stress that my darling Nami-swan and Robin-chwan don't need~"

"Ok, ok. Do whatever you want Sanji-kun. I'm going to go work on my maps," Her face darkened, "so if you _do_ find him, don't disrupt me, and make sure not to fight." She as about to go to her study, but decided to add an afterthought, "with the marines, OR with Zoro."

Sanji flipped his hair, trying to impress as always. "Leave it to me, Nami-swan. No one shall disturb you as long as I'm around!" And with knightly valor, Sanji dashed off the ship, leaving Nami in a state of mild suspicion.

"I swear," she mumbled, "you'd think he was Zoro's mother."

"It would certainly seem that way, Navigator-san."

"Robin! You always seem to come out of nowhere."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you. You know, there's an interesting rumor about this Island."

"Isn't there always." Nami said with an air of humor and a smile. "So," she clasped her hands together expectantly, "is t about a hidden treasure left behind by some rich tycoon? Something like that perhaps? Something easily accessible but that no one knows about?"

"You've get very specific expectations, Navigator-san. But no, I'm afraid it's nothing of that sort."

Nami pouted, suddenly about a third as interested as she was before, but there was still that tickle of curiosity. So she patiently waited for Robin to explain.

"You see, Nami-san, apparently there's a pair of...um..."

Odd, Robin was never at a loss for words. What could this mystery be?

"There's this...it's a...a pair of magical...panties..." Robin's brow furrowed, as if she'd seen something of great distaste.

"Robin? What's the matter? It's just pan—" a disembodied hand slapped itself over Nami's mouth. "Wob'm?"

"...I hate that word."

Nami sweat-dropped.

"Anyway," Robin went on, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, "these...undergarnments have a special ability that has attracted many a woman, mostly female pirates."

Nami quirked an eyebrow. What's going on? Why the hell would pirates was a pair of panties?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an afro donned skeleton shouted at the women excitedly, " Did someone say 'panties?' Yohohoho!" He was promptly taken care of.

**o()o()o**

Sanji darted through the streets of Hirataimura, desperately looking for a grouchy swordsman. His entire body was screaming at him in a steady mantra, _'Zoro's gonna cause trouble for everyone. If you don't find him and get us the fuck off this island there's gonna be trouble. Zoro's gonna cause trouble for everyone. If you don't find him—' _The stressful mantra wouldn't stop no matter how many perverted thoughts of Nami he filled his head with. He was in such a frustrated frenzy, that he almost didn't notice that he'd bowled into some random passerby. Except for the fact that it hurt like a bitch when he face-planted onto the cobblestone rode and got a bloody nose in the less pleasurable of the two main ways that most men his age got bloody noses.

"Hey man, you ok?"

Sanji couldn't help but startle ever so slightly at the familiar voice. "You! It's been a while. You're still alive I see." Sanji greeted the man with a smile.

"Yeah, somehow." He laughed. "I'm not gonna be around for long, but I might drop by your ship later, if you're still here."

"Yeah, we might be here for a while if I can't find Zoro we'll probably end up being here for another day or so."

"Ah, really? Well, I've got some business to take care of, but if I see him I'll send him your way."

"You might have to do more than that. Just tie him to a tree and I'll come find him."

"Haha, I'll see ya Sanji. Send my regards to your captain."

"Yeah." Sanji lit up a cigarette and watched as the man walked away. _'Funny seeing him here...but I really need to find Zoro...shit where could he be.'_ Sanji swiveled his head back and forth, trying to decide which direction to go running off in. If he was going to follow "Zoro logic," then he should go to the east, but if Zoro was trying to be clever and had gone against his initial decision, because it would most definitely have been wrong, he would have gone west. Sanji thought about this for the moment before deciding to head south. Why? Because in the end Zoro would've tried to go north, so this must be the direction he'd gone! Sanji's "Zoro logic" was positive that this was the right decision. And it would have been, had Zoro not been taken away by a perverted florist. _'I bet that bastard is probably enjoying himself somewhere...shitty Marimo...'_

**o()o()o**

Well, it wasn't Zoro so much that was enjoying himself as much as it was the florist. He'd brought Zoro back to his shop and had laid him down on a bed of flowers, the only setting that could have ever been appropriate for _his_ beautiful little flower. "You look stunning on that bed of roses, my love. Though those flowers pale in comparison to your beauty my dearest...I don't even know your name, but that doesn't mater. I know you're the one for me..." He practically drooled the sweet nothings, and even though he was unconscious Zoro still frowned with distaste. "I'm sorry to have used such dirty tactics against you, my love, but I needed you to be mine." The florist, whose name was Akio, bent down close to Zoro's ear. "So I'm going to make you mine by whatever means necessary." He licked the outer shell of Zoro's ear, making Zoro shiver ever so slightly in his sleep. Akio kissed down Zoro's jaw gingerly as he ran a hand up Zoro's shirt, feeling the firm, soft, warm skin beneath his fingertips. He came across an unusual grove on the man's stomach and instantly stopped what he was doing. He lifted Zoro's shirt up and saw the long diagonal scar that ran from the man's left shoulder all the way down to his right hip.

"Who could do this to you?" He asked, mortified, pulled Zoro's shirt all the way up, until it was all bunched up right beneath his arms. "Stay with me and I'll make sure you're never hurt ever again~" Akio slowly licked and suckled his way up Zoro's scar, gently massaging Zoro's sides and hips as he went. Unfortunatly for the florist, it was then that Zoro started to wake.

"Nnn~" The soft moan slithered out from parted lips and ran straight to Akio's groin, making the man more frantic in his actions. He began biting roughly at the bronze skin, making his way ever upward as his hands slowly, for he didn't want to be noticed right away, tugged on Zoro's pants, pulling them off slender hips. "Ah~ wha...wha th' 'ell d'ya thin yer doin?" Zoro's vision was still a little foggy, and it was taking a little longer than normal for his muscles to do what his brain told them to do. He tried to lash out and punch the guy square in the jaw, but all he managed to do was ripple his arm and abdominal muscles, making him look _incredibly_ sexy.

"Don't worry, you'll submit to me soon~" Then the bell over the shop door tinkled, shocking the florist like a bucket of ice water. He shot up off Zoro, straightened his clothes, covered up his boner, and hurried out of the back room. Zoro lay there wondering what the hell was going on as he listened to the florist talk agitatedly with his customer. _'Though...that customer...something about his voice...'_

One of Zoro's many instincts took over and pulled up every ounce of strength he had and got up on his hands and knees. He could already feel the weakness in his limbs, but before his body could give out on him, lunged for the door, throwing his body out from behind the curtain and into the shop, only to pass out again on the cold, gritty, linoleum floor.

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**Author's Note**

Not the best ending but whatevah. Oh, and yes, Robin hates the word p****** just like I do. I felt someone had to hate it

I hope you are all fully aware that this is about a 45-55 crack to half-asleep jibber-jabber ratio, respectively. But I'm glad that somehow you all have managed to enjoy it so far. So kudos to you all for reading this fic!

And I hope to see you all again real soon~

*blows kiss*

+PSW


	3. Who Took Off My Pants?

Whoo~ Chapter 3~ I've been uploading a lot recently, have you noticed? :3

Hoooooo shit, I just realized that it's all due TODAY! D8 the contest ends by midnight! v.v oh well. Maybe I can have an extension till tomorrow? Ne? ne? ^^;

**Nikki: **Yay yay! I'm so so glad that you're liking my fic so far! *dances with glee* lol yes: zoro senses. and yes, this little princess is feeling much better :D thank you for sending the telepathic love!

-PD

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Who Took Off My Pants?**

'_It's warm.'_ Zoro thought as he floated through the air. No, he wasn't floating. That would be ridiculous. Though he could feel his body sway ever so slightly and he could tell he was steadily moving forward. But there was that warmth that he could feel spread across the front of his torso and the insides of his thighs. Suddenly his body was jostled, and he could feel a surface shift beneath him. Zoro thought long and hard about where he could be and how it could be possible that he was moving about while being supposedly unconscious. As his senses slowly began to focus and he could more accurately observe his surroundings, he tried to figure out what the hell could be going on. Though...all his brain would think about was how warm his magical transportation device was and how comfy it was, even though his head hung at an awkward angle. He hugged it tighter and his magic device rumbled gently, almost as if it were speaking.

"Rrrr? Mrr rmr mrrrr?"

'_What?'_ Zoro lifted his head and placed his chin on the conveniently located shelf. "Hmmm?"

"So you are awake." The mystery machine commented in a rather familiar voice.

Zoro tried to open his eyes, but it was like they were plastered shut, so he just left them as they were, unopened. It was of no concern at the moment. His mystery machine would keep him safe, he was sure of it. "Wha...Wha' happ'n?" Zoro asked, his breath escaping through his lips before he could properly say what he'd meant to. He still felt so ridiculously tired, like his energy was being sucked right out of his body.

"Ah, I'd gone into that flower shop to get some flowers for this old woman that fed me, and then you came bursting out from his back room. Scared the crap outta me and that florist." Mystery Machine laughed gently, sending vibrations rippling through Zoro's body, mainly his chest. "So I kicked his ass for being a pervert, he was trying to keep you there with him, ya know. Claiming you were 'his' and all. But it wasn't too hard to get you back. Now I'm taking you back to your ship. I saw Sanji earlier and he was looking for you."

Zoro sighed, feeling the fuzzies start to settle back into his brain. He was too tired to worry about what was going on, and hi figured it would all come together in the end. "Mm...thank you...My—Mystery Machine..."

"...Wh-What?" Mystery Machine tried to ask, but Zoro was already fast asleep again. _'Damn, whatever that guy used must've been pretty fricken potent. Well, the sooner I get him to his nakama the better.' _And Mystery Machine ran off, wanting to get the swordsman back to his family of friends as soon as possible.

**o()o()o**

"Zoro!"

"Zoro, are you ok?"

"Zoro-san?"

"Ace!"

"Who's Ace?

"ACE IS HERE? HOW?"

"SHUP UP! ONE AT A TIME!" Chopper, Usopp, Brooke, and Luffy were all quickly silenced as Ace hopped aboard with Zoro riding piggyback. "It's good to see you Ace, but why do you have Zoro? What's happened?" Nami asked as she gently poked Zoro's relaxed face. It was rare to see him asleep without grimacing and she wasn't going to miss out.

_Click click click._

There. Documented.

"Well, I found him inside of a florist's shop..." Ace could clearly see the confusion and disconnect that was going on amongst the present crew. "Here...let me start over..."

As Ace was explaining, Robin and Franky joined the group. Robin patiently waited until Ace had finished his account on what'd happened before she offered her two cents. "Everyone, I also have something interesting that you might like to know about. But first, I think it would be best for Kenshi-san to lie down, he must've had a very rough day."

Ace obediently followed the little tonakai into the infirmary and sat down on the bed, letting Zoro slide off his back and onto the bed. Ace carefully rolled Zoro over and tucked him in. He'd make sure to treat his little brother's nakama with the respect they deserved for being so patient with Luffy. He turned around to leave, but he saw that the doorway was blocked by many a pair of curious eyes.

"So what's wrong with him?" Nami asked, the intrigue on her face making her look like a curious child, "Chopper? Do you know?"

"I don't know just yet. I haven't started the examination yet. I'll tell you guys as soon as I know." And with that, everyone was shooed out of the infirmary and eventually migrated to the dining room. It seemed to be an appropriate place to hold a meeting. Very formal. Made the meeting seem more important that it would probably end up being.

They all waited for Chopper to return, some more patiently than others, but, regardless, they all somehow managed to wait until Chopper came out with the news.

"Uhm...Well, you see, he has some mild narcotics in his system, but he should've been able to overcome those a while ago. I'm not totally sure why they're affecting him so much. But other than that he's totally fine." Chopper reassured.

As always, the all-knowing Nico Robin had something to add. "Doctor-san, may I take a look at our Swordsman?"

"Uh...sure." Robin led the peanut gallery back to the infirmary. She stared at Zoro's sleeping form for a moment before disembodied hands threw off the sheets and tugged down Zoro's pants.

"R-Robin!" Nami and Usopp blushed for modesty's sake. The others seemed completely unaffected by Zoro's half naked body. But what did surprise them was Zoro's preference in undergarments.

"I see. I had a feeling that this would be the case."

'_There's __**no**__**way**__ she could've known that.'_ Everyone thought to themselves, but no one dared say it out loud. However, they allowed her to continue, still slightly skeptical.

"Navigator-san, these are what I was talking about earlier."

Nami perked up at the sound of her name. "Huh? What are you...OWAH! No way! _Zoro_ has the magic paaa...underwear?" Nami barely managed to catch herself. She felt she deserved a pat on the back. Or 1000 belli, either worked.

"Magic underwear?" Usopp looked down at Zoro's cyan blue skivvies. "What the hell are you talking about? Not that I ever really know what you're talking about anyway, but still. I'd be nice to know."

Robin went into her 'listen to teacher mode' as she pulled the blanket back up to give Zoro his privacy. "Well, you see, I'm not sure how Zoro came into possession of that pair of underpants. But the story behind them is as such. These panties were created a long time ago by a woman whose face and body scared away many a man from her bedchamber, so, with a desperate desire to be loved, she created this pair of underwear and had them enchanted by a witch. She put them on and as soon as she made eye contact with the first man she saw, he fell madly and deeply in love with her. A slave bound by undying love. Well, lust more so. It was rare that they felt anything more romantic than that, sadly."

"So it was successful!" No, not quite, Nami. "Doesn't sound so horrible to me." Yes actually, that's really rather awful.

"Yeah, you only say that cause you're not the one being turned into a mindless zombie." Usopp frowned at the woman for thinking about it so one-sidedly. "But anyway, there had to be a downside, right Robin?" Usopp figured. Though having an army of men tearing down your house to 'be' with you is really a bit of a curse in and of itself.

"Yes, and I believe that this is what is affecting Kenshi-san. You see, the underwear must draw its power from something. So, they draw their power from their host. The more people that fall in love with the wearer, the more power that's drained from the host. And because Kenshi-san is still under the effects of the narcosis, it hit him a lot harder. As soon as the drugs wear off completely I'm sure he'll be pretty much back to normal...perhaps. Maybe a bit more drowsy than usual."

No one liked the sound of that. A _more_ drowsy Zoro than the one they were already accustomed to? It didn't sound particularly enjoyable. He was already a useless lump when a battle wasn't being fought, how could it get any worse?

"But...how does he get back to normal?"

"That I don't know, Usopp-kun."

"How is it that _that's_ the _only_ think you don't know?" Usopp asked, quirking his eyebrow with a lack of understanding. This Robin chick...so confusing, and she was always shrouded in mystery despite how long you've known her for.

Robin chuckled benignly, "Perhaps Zoro's meant to find this out on his own? Things are going to be interesting around here, huh?"

"I have a question." Everyone turned to Ace, who was leaning against the doorway. "Why is it that a man fell for Zoro? What exactly do the panties do?"

"Well," Robin said, thinking back to her reading and her various interviews with people on the island. "The panties were designed for a woman, and I supposed she didn't want other women falling for her, so the spell probably only affects men."

"So we're all in danger of being Zoro's love slaves?" Usopp cried gripping his head and running around for a moment before curling up in a corner. "This suuuucks..."

"What the hell...so noisy..."

"Zoro!"

"Zoro-san!"

"Kenshi-san, you've awoken."

"Yeah...ahh, my head, what's going on?" Zoro looked down at Chopper. "Oi, Chopper—"

Chopper made eye contact with Zoro, and instantly he felt a shock of electricity go coursing through his body straight from his brain all he way down to his toes. Err...hooves.

Zoro felt something too: he felt himself grow ever so slightly more tired than he'd been a moment ago. How odd. "—do you know," As Chopper looked at Zoro's face, he saw flowers in the background and sparkles surround his beloved. His big, brown eyes and long eyelashes batted gently in his direction, and Chopper couldn't help but melt at the sweet voice. "what's wrong with me?" Zoro asked, eyes full of fearful tears as he begged the doctor for answers. Granted, Chopper was the only one who saw it this way. Everyone else just saw same old, grumpy, freshly-awaken Zoro.

"Oh no! Zoro's looked into Chopper's eyes!" Usopp clasped his head in his hands and quickly averted his own eyes the other way so he wouldn't fall victim to the panties' curse.

"Maybe he'll be alright, cause Chopper's more of a—" Nami's hypothesis was quickly disproved.

"AWW~ Zoro you're so cute!" Chopper changed into heavy point and held the swordsman in a tight embrace, mumbling 'kawaii~ kawaii~' over and over again as he rubbed his cheek against the top of Zoro's head.

"Wha-What the hell?" Zoro bellowed. "G-Get off! What's gotten into you, Chopper?" He tried to pry the doctor off, but he couldn't. He looked up to anyone for help and met Ace's eyes.

"Erk!" Ace couldn't help but feel the overwhelming desire to sweep Zoro off his feet and carry him off to a far away place, where they'd live happily together and make sweet, hot, passionate love at least once every night. But the feelings he felt when he saw how the reindeer was clinging to _his_ future bride were anything but romantic. He hoped everyone would be in the mood to have roast venison that night. "Get you disgusting hands off him! You perverted tanuki."

Chopper glared daggers until he saw the viciousness in Ace's eyes, and regretfully, turned back into brain point and let Zoro go, but not without heavy pouting and puppy dog eyes.

Zoro felt a little bit bad about how Chopper had been treated, but he wasn't about to give in to Chopper's manipulative, yet adorable, but still really rather odd, behavior. He sighed and threw back the blanket, intending to get out of the bed, but immediately felt the cool of the room on his legs. He looked down and saw that the panties were out and exposed, for everyone to see. "ACK!" He threw the blanket over his lap and blushed heavily. "Who took off my pants?" He cried. Ace and Chopper could only see the flush of his face and, though they imagined this, the gentle tears in his eyes. Ace was the first to react.

"Zo-chaaan~" He leapt at Zoro, embracing him tightly. "You really are adorable, you know." He kissed Zoro's cheek and the crew watched as Zoro's entire _head_ turned totally red.

"Wha-what the hell is _with_ everyone. Luffy!" Zoro looked to Luffy, "Get your brother off!" Ace slowly ran his hand under Zoro's shirt and ran his fingers across the twitching muscles. "Ace, knock it off~" Zoro cried, blushing and looking pleadingly at his captain with sparkly tears flying from delicate lashes. "Luffy-kun, save me~" He begged, voice sugary sweet and trembling.

Luffy was beside his first mate in a second, jealousy coiling tightly inside his gut. "Ace. Get off of him." His voice was dark and demanding. How dare Ace make his adorable Zoro cry like that. Of course, only three of the people there could see that Zoro was crying. And Zoro wasn't one of them.

"Oh my, it seems that we already have quite the conundrum on our hands."

No shit, Robin. Hallucinations; incredibly strong, and no doubt horny, men; and someone that were willing to fight to the death over was a bad, bad mix of things to have in a suddenly very small infirmary.

Well, we'll see how things pan out.

**o()o()o**

Sanji had just about given up on finding Zoro. The sun was starting to go down and he had to be back in time to make dinner. Food came before Zoro, and it always would. Too bad Sanji would end up eating those words. He ran back to the ship and hopped aboard. There were the sounds of a struggle below deck and he could hear Luffy's voice seep up through the boards of the deck. It traveled underneath his feet and headed in the direction of the stairs. Sanji assumed that they'd be upstairs any second now and prepared for the worst.

Zoro was actually the first to come bursting out, though Sanji hadn't heard his voice in the kerfuffle. He was followed by, in order: Luffy, Ace, Chopper, Nami, Usopp, Robin, Franky, and Brooke. Before he could blink, Zoro was only a foot from his face.

**CRASH~**

Well, that was to be expected.

Zoro was splayed out across Sanji, not totally conscious of his position. That is, until he felt Sanji's hands slowly slither around his waist and down to his ass, giving it a squeeze before massaging it gently. _'So, Sanji's the type that...wait...no! This is __**not**__ the right time to be thinking like that! His_ hands _are on my freaking_ _**ass!**__' _Zoro twisted and writhed, trying to get his feet in such a way that he could push up and off of Sanji, but only managed to give Sanji a full frontal massage with his own body.

"Nnn, Zoro, how naughty, we're in front of the crew~" Sanji's eyes filled with hearts and his voice obtained that goofy warble that he often had when speaking to the ladies. "But if you're that eager~"

"I'm NOT!"

"Oh~ don't tease me. Especially while you're practically offering yourself to me."

"I SAID I'm **NOT**! Get your fuckin ears checked ERO COOK!" Zoro leaned in closer when he shouted this into the cook's face, but the aggression in Zoro's voice wasn't even registered. Sanji took one of his hands off Zoro's ass and slipped it into Zoro's hair, holding tight.

"You're too cute." And he brought their lips together.

Seeing this was like a kick in the crotch to Chopper, Luffy, and Ace. They were so...overwhelmed that they didn't even know what they were feeling. But while they were too busy gawking, Sanji had managed to slip his tongue inside Zoro's mouth. Zoro, weakened by the panties' energy drain, couldn't really fight back. He collapsed back onto Sanji, completely limp in his arms. "Oh ho ho~" Sanji laughed perversely. "It seems," he smirked up at his competitors, "that I've won~"

That brought them out of their stupor.

"LIKE HELL YOU HAVE!"

"SANJI!" Luffy cried.

"WE CHALLENGE YOU..." Chopper continued, popping a rumble ball into his mouth.

"TO A DUEL!" Ace finished flamboyantly with a huge, fiery display.

'_Comfort and Support,'_ Zoro thought as he began to fall asleep again, _'are not worth all this craziness.'_

**The End!**

**...or is it?**

**

* * *

**

**Author's Note**

Well, I tried. I might not win the contest but this is so fun to write!

**SO~ WHO DO YOU WANT ZORO TO END UP WITH?**

Here are the choices:  
-Sanji  
-Franky  
-Usopp  
-Luffy  
-Chopper  
-Ace  
-Smoker  
-Mihawk  
-Akio (from the last chapter)  
-or should everyone who was under the spell forget this ever happened and Zoro is left to live with the repercussions! Which in its own way could be quite hilarious.

PLEASE CHOSE~

-PD


	4. And A PIRATE, No Less

Whoo~ this is (most likely) the final chapter! :D

So the poll results are as follows~ And I can honestly say that they were not what I was expecting 8X

Smoker: 8  
Mihawk: 7 **I'm sorry you guys, but this one isn't gonna be possible with the time frame I have D:  
**Sanji: 5  
Forgetting all together: 2  
Ace: 2 (whaaat! *sad face*)  
Akio: The poor bastard got a vote! Only 1 though...  
YAOI ORGY!: 1 (sadly lol :D)

**x: **lol I agree, it would be hilarious :3

**anon: ***is biased towards Sanji* I also kinda wanted him to win too

**Nikki: **Hehe thank you so much for all your great reviews! :D *waves flag* and the free-for-all has begun! Awuh! You flatter me yet again! You're gonna swell my ego~ *wiggles happily* unfortunately, I'm afraid that mihawk's not gonna come into this one :C cause I really just don't have enough time to bring him in without it seeming too sudden and even worse than crack. THANK YOU FOR THE INCREDIBLE REVIEW! :D

**storyteller:** Lol it warn't the end :3 I was just joshin! But this chapter is the end...FOR NOW! Muahaha. And I'm sory to say mihawk won't make an appearance this time. v.v

**ramb: **hehe thank you! :D

-PD

**Chapter 4 – And A Pirate, No Less!**

The three men and reindeer had moved themselves to a more isolated location, where they wouldn't disturb any locals or the rest of their crew. Zoro lay sprawled out in the grass, dozing comfortably. The wind would ruffle the short soft spikes, running over Zoro's body like every man (and reindeer) there wanted to do so badly. His breathing was light and his cheeks were a healthy pink from the warm sun. Luffy, Chopper, Ace, and Sanji all took a moment to admire Zoro as he slept. He was lying on his side with his hand balled up by his mouth. His legs were bent, as if he was trying to curl up. They followed the curve of hips that dipped down at his waist and then broadened again towards his shoulder. He truly was their sleeping beauty. Granted, their brainwashing definitely shopped the image a tad, so it wasn't quite as cute as it had seemed.

"I can't wait to make you mine, Marimo-chan~ I know you secretly prefer me~" Sanji was struck from behind by a rubbery hand and knocked flat on his face. "Oi, Luffy! You bastard, we haven't set the terms!"

"Who cares? I'm gonna kick all of your asses and then take Zoro!" Steam exploded from Luffy's nose, like a bull preparing to charge.

"So a free for all, huh?" Ace grinned confidently. "If those are the terms then it should be no problem." Ace's body burst into a column of flame, making his competitors take an instinctual step back.

"That's not fair! Ace has a huge advantage being a Logia! I think it should be more of a challenge than a fight!"

"Nami? Where'd you come from?" Nami, Usopp, Robin, Franky, and Brooke all stood about 50 feet away, and they had Zoro with them. When had they managed to steal him away? A combined effort of the incredibly stealthy Usopp'n and the thieving skills that our dear Nami had honed through years of practice, perhaps? That was just a guess.

"O-Oi! Give us back our prize!" Ace cried angrily at the thief that had stolen away his future bride. He had already planned out which apron he'd want Zoro to greet him in every morning while he cutely panicked over a ruined breakfast, and how he'd kiss away Zoro's tears and how _this~ _would lead to _**that~**_ and—

"Oi, Ace, chill your boner." Sanji remarked snidely as he lit up a cigarette. "So what's the game, Nami-san?" He asked as he stared at his unconscious lover in the arms of the Cyborg. Franky's cold, steel hands were not worthy enough for someone as brilliant as Zoro.

"We're gonna go hide with Zoro. Whoever finds us first will win~" And with that they began to run off. "You have to wait thirty minutes before you can start searching! And NO FLYING! That includes launching, turning into fire, etc." Nami added as they ran dramatically under the evening light. By the time they would be allowed to search for their princess, the sun will have set.

**o()o()o**

Nami and Usopp were huffing and puffing when they were finally able to sit down, after having ran at their top speed over almost the entire island just to find a decent hiding spot. They'd chosen a spot that was right under the nose of the hustle and bustle of the little portside town. They had gotten comfortable inside their craggy cave.

"I can't believe, we're doing something so complicated just so you can have you peace and quiet." Usopp managed through many a labored gasp. It seemed like he was always the one that Nami made run along side her. Perhaps it was for the comfort of knowing that there was someone else right next to you that was just as pitiful as you were. Or, more likely, it was so she could have someone to trip if she ever needed a diversion. But that wasn't the point this time. This time, it'd been Nami's selfish wish to keep this as violence free as she could.

Nami tilted her head back as she gasped for air, bargaining with her side stitch to please go away rather soon, as it was most uncomfortable. "Ah, Usopp, I know you're mad, but you don't have to shine that damn light in my eyes."

"Ah-a-a-ahhh~ Naaamiii~"

"Oh my." Nami could hear Robin stand up and take a few steps. In which direction Nami wasn't quite sure, as she still had her eyes shut, but her voice sounded like she was in a less than idea situation.

"What's the matter, Robin?"

"Shit, what're these guys doing here?" Franky shifted his sunglasses down over his eyes as the bright light shifted over his face. "So not Super~"

"Mugiwara no Kaizokudan! You are all under arrest!"

"Nani!" Nami straightened up so fast that there was no way her back wouldn't feel that in the morning. "Why the hell is _Smoker_ here?" She and Usopp retreated into the far depths of the cave, perhaps they hadn't been spotted yet?

"Yohoho~ My heart is all a flutter with fear! Oh, but I don't have a heart...YOHOHO!" Well Brooke's practically nonexistent role so far had been a blessing to some. To think you'd almost escaped without a 'skull joke.' Well, my friend, I could never deprive you of such.

"Today has been quite an interesting day. Perhaps things have yet to get even more interesting."

"OOW~ Nico Robin, I don't know whether you're being optimistic or you have a wicked sense of humor~" Franky posed for all the marines to see. Many grimaced. The faint of heart...well...fainted.

"Attaaaack!"

**o()o()o**

'_Shit, where could they've gone?'_ Sanji was running through the streets of Hirataimura, franticly searching through the crowd. He was desperate to win this contest. He knew that Zoro was meant to be with him, he could feel it in every fiber of his being! He imagined a happy smiling Zoro looking up at him, his big eyes fluttering coyly at him. _"I knew you'd be the one to find me~"_ He would purse his lips ever so slightly as he would begin to remove his shirt. _"Love always finds a way~"_

"Oh ho ho~" Sanj's nose began to drip with blood. "So that's how it's gonna be~ YOSH! MARIMO-CHWAAAAAAN~ I'M COMING FOR YOOO—hm?" Sanji looked down over the bay and saw that there was an impressive fleet of marine ships anchored with spot lights trained on a specific spot on the coast. He knew, at that very moment, that it could not be anyone except for the very people he was thinking of. _'Shit, those guys...'_ Sanji's Mellorine Radar System kicked in and zeroed in on his beautiful prince(ss). "They're taking Zoro!"

"Who's taking Zoro?"

"Ah! You guys!" The remaining three had all managed to reach the same spot, even Luffy had managed it. Though Sanji felt it was a bit unfair that Chopper had his superb nose, he was still first to arrive, and that was all that mattered. "I'm first. I win Zoro."

"The challenge was to be the first to get Zoro back."

"No it wasn't! I found him first! He's _mine!_" Sanji cried childishly.

"Yeah," Ace mocked, "well he's _The Marine's_ right now."

"FIRST ONE TO ZORO GETS TO KISS HIM!" Luffy cried, jumping down off the ledge and toward their trapped Nakama.

"OI!"

**o()o()o**

Franky had picked up the _still_ asleep Zoro in his arms. How this an had slept through it all was just beyond ridiculous. But something had gotten Zoro to stir. Our of reflex, Franky looked down at Zoro for a brief second to see if he was ok. Perhaps that second had been fated to happen, because steel blue eyes met Zoro's spicy brown ones, and suddenly...Franky didn't want to give out the winning prize he'd been holding. What the _hell_ had he been _thinking?_ Giving out a beauty like this, he must've been out of his mind. He didn't take his eyes off of Zoro once as he was escorted onto the ship and out of sight, along with Brooke and Robin. Nami and Usopp had managed to escape just in time and were watching from above. They were sure that everyone would be fine, it wasn't anything they couldn't handle.

**o()o()o**

It had been a long, and dangerous process, but after many a man was injured, a group of highly specialized marines were able to separate Zoro from the cyborg's arms, and Zoro was taken off to his own separate detainment cell to be questioned separately. He'd awoken, but was still far from being really "awake" yet. He stared up at the ceiling and was thinking about everything that had happened in only the past couple hours or so. What was going on? Why were all the guys acting so funny? He thought about the kisses he'd received and blushed. He turned his head to the side and saw that Smoker was watching him keenly.

Zoro saw Smoker's eyes widen and then reset. But even through the calm façade, Zoro could see inner turmoil.

'_Shit,'_ Smoker thought as he looked over Zoro's body, _'why is he so...'_ Smoker didn't want to finish his thought, but we all knew what he was thinking.

"Oooi~ what do you want?"

That voice. Oh, how dirty your tactics are, Roronoa. To use a man's hormones against him! You should know the pain of such a technique. _'You lowlife pirate scum, you'll stop at nothing to make me succumb to your will.' _Smoker took out a key and unlocked the cell door. "Well, it's worked."

"Huh?"

Smoker walked in and firmly shut the door behind him, his face twisted up as if he was in pain. Well, I suppose it could've been painful to be in the position he was in, but let's not get into that...oh who am I kidding.

Smoker kneeled down beside Zoro, looking over the body that was heaving with heavy breathing. "What do you want?" Smoker's groin twitched viciously at the sound of this sexy boy's voice. He took off his jacket and gloves, revealing a bare, chiseled torso and strong hands. Hands that were itching to rip Zoro's clothes apart and explore that perfectly bronzed skin. So he did just that. He ripped Zoro's shirt open and began to run his hands up and down Zoro's chest roughly, enjoying the gasps that escaped Zoro's lips. He stopped at Zoro's nipples and gave them both a harsh twist, getting a _real_ moan out of the swordsman. This was probably one of the first moans that had not been hallucinated. Nor had Smoker imagined Zoro arching off the floor into his touch. No, that had all been real.

"So fuckin sexy." Smoker rearranged himself so he was in between Zoro's legs. Lifting Zoro's legs up so they could be curled comfortably around Smoker's waist, he bent down and began to suck at the abused buds that protruded from Zoro's heaving chest.

"Stop it! D-Don't." The stutter was real, and so was the blush. Zoro didn't know what to make of it all, except for the fact that it felt _amazing._

"I'll never obey a pirate." Smoker growled as he bit his way down to Zoro's pant line, quickly removing them. He was rewarded with the beautiful sight of Zoro in those incredibly sexy panties. He tugged them down ever so slightly.

"No!"

Too late. Zoro's hardening member had been freed and Smoker licked the slit teasingly. Zoro bit into his lip, not wanting to let any more sounds out. But something else soon took care of his loud mouth: two large fingers. Smoker shoved his fingers deep into Zoro's mouth and gave his demand. "Suck."

Zoro, real tears, though caused by his gag reflex, began to pool at the corners of his eyes, making Smoker want him all the more.

He removed his fingers and shifted Zoro into a position that was more suitable for Smoker's needs. He slipped one poorly lubed finger into Zoro's tight entrance, and Zoro cried out and swore as Smoker quickly moved his finger in and out and in and out again, adding another finger before Zoro was really ready for it.

"Ahhh~ Ah! It hurts!"

"Then fuckin relax. Cause it's gonna hurt more in a second."

The fingers were gone, and Zoro was already too exhausted to think about what was coming next. Smoker flipped him over and pulled his hips up and back so his ass was high in the air while the rest of him slumped to the ground. It was really quite the erotic pose, but Zoro felt like nothing more than a 200 Belli whore. He felt Smoker's dick slide between his cheeks, teasing.

"You want me?" He asked, no humor in his voice. It was like a test, and if he failed he was gonna pay for it.

Zoro didn't even think about what he was saying and nodded dumbly. He felt too good at the moment and he didn't want it to stop. Smoker grabbed him by the hair and pulled his head back. "I said, do you want me. Answer me! You fucking pirate trash!"

Zoro glared at Smoker as best he could. "Go to hell, bastard."

"Hn." Smoker was oddly satisfied by Zoro's deliberate lack of respect and his unconventional way of showing submissiveness. "Good boy." He praised before guiding his dick to that taught ring of muscle. He pushed in, but could only get in half the way. "Dammit Zoro, loosen up." He growled. He pulled out and slammed back in. If Zoro wasn't going to let him in, he'd force it. But Zoro was already beyond his ability to speak. His world consisted of nothing more than his ass and the pain that it was being subjected to. Smoker slammed into him again and again, trying to get deep enough to hit that sweet spot to hear...oh, yeah. _There_ it was. The delicious, orgasm inducing moans that only the sexy creature beneath him could ever manage to utter. Smoker pounded into Zoro, not letting any time go to waste. "Hn!" He grunted as he came, hard. His fluids spilling out in large amonts as he withdrew his softening member.

Smoker then seemed to awaken from his daze. He looked down at Zoro and was immediately...appalled?

Had he just had _sex_ with a _**man? **_And a _**PIRATE, **_no less! Surely this couldn't be! Flushing bright red with horrible embarrassment, Smoker turned to smoke and fled the scene, leaving behind the keys and a completely fazed Zoro...and someone else who'd happened to find their way.

"I see! So _that's_ how they can break the curse!" Nami exclaimed! "All they need to do is have sex! Isn't this great Usopp? ... Usopp? Are you alright?"

But Usopp was completely unresponsive on the floor of the prison. He'd seen too much. He was just going to go back to that nice world where there were no crazy bitches, mindless zombies of love, or magical panties.

**THE END**

**(for now)**

**Author's Note**

There will definitely be an extended version of this story. Definitely. It was just too much fun to write and so much stuuf wound up getting left out D: Like I wanted to bring back that chick pirate from the beginning and Akio had to make another appearance and Chopper and Sanji and Ace and Luffy all ahd to come back and yadda yadda yadda. That'll all be written in at a later time!

So speedy writing cause I was tired and I didn't bother editing. That'll be for another day :/ ideally tomorrow.

THANKS FOR READING AND REVIEWING! AND LOOK OUT FOR A LONGER VERSION! I'll post an update here when the first chapter of the new version is out :3

-PD


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